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 The Equaliser

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the deeb
Auld Slapper
Auld Slapper

Managing : to get in the way

Posts : 903
Career Goals : 15601
Location : my front room

PostThe Equaliser

Meet Noah Lahm.

He’s a hired gun. Chairmen employ him to sort out the mess. No challenge is too tough, no situation too hopeless.

He takes no prisoners. He don’t stand for no nonsense.

Fancydans, you better make sure your dans are very fancy, as anyone not pulling their weight will be dealt with.

He has ways of dealing with shirkers.

He ain’t got time for contract renewals. He don’t give a damn about what the press think. He’s only interested in results.

He signs for the highest bidder. He flies in, sorts out the mess, then flies back out again. Looking for the next unwinnable challenge.

He thrives on pressure. He lives for relegation battles. Play-off pushes are his bag.

Wherever there’s a relegation battle – he’ll bring survival.
Where there’s a promotion push – he’ll bring success.
Any club that has never won anything – he’ll deliver the goods.

He is available to every major league, but the task better be tough. He’s not interested in big money jobs, loads of transfer funds. He wants it tough,almost beyond hope. But he’s not interested in working for a whole season. He ain’t interested in careers.

Oh no. This man just lives for the moment.

Noah Lahm is
The Equaliser

Watchout. He’ll be coming to a club near you

2012 European Championship Winners
2012 Olympic Games Gold Medallists

Last edited by the deeb on 2010-09-08, 22:39; edited 1 time in total
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The Equaliser :: Comments

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-25, 00:45 by Berry
Great win over Bari dude, out of the drop zone for the time being, hope you can stay out of it too! You deserve to keep Lazio and if you do it'll be a great way to start your career.

Keep it up The Equaliser Wink
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-26, 22:28 by the deeb
We’re in Bologna. Crucial game this. Chievo are at home to Udinese and could get a draw but can’t see ‘em winnin’. Siena are away to Roma, and they ain’t getting’ nuffin from that.

A draw could be enough here, and then we need to beat Chievo. A defeat ain’t the end of the world, but I’d love a win.

I’ve been up late most nights trying to decide on the formation. I end up sticking to 4-1-2-1-2. Inzaghi is fit enough for the bench, but I reckon N’Kufo and Barreto deserve their startin’ places. I’m gunnin’ for an early goal, then we can ‘ang on. If we’re too defensive to start wiv, then we might concede and then find it tuff to get back into it.

10 minutes into the game and this bleedin ref has sent off Matuzalem. I resist the urge to go and rip the ref’s ‘ead off. I know some top boys in Sicily, they can pay ‘im a visit after the match!

Can’t see how that deserved a red card, but we’re dahn to 10 men. Keep going boys

Then Appaiah scores from a corner and then before ‘arf time we’re 0-2 dahn.

Ledesma has picked up a knock, but we need ‘im to stay on. I’ve been in Pandev’s ear and then soon into the 2nd ‘arf, he scores an absolute screamer from 35 yards and we’re back in this.


12 minutes to go and Pandev gets his 2nd and it’s game on.


Gamble here now, Noah lad. We’re 1pt ahead of Siena and Chievo, so it ain’t the end of the world if we drop this point, but if we can get a win from 0-2 dahn and 1 man dahn, that’ll do the confidence no ‘arm at all.

I decide to go for the win.

3 mins to go and Barreto is through on the right. The keeper comes aht of his box and Barreto goes rand him and fires it in. If you’ve ever seen Hughesie’s goal in the Cup-Winners Cup Final in ’91 then that’s it.

Nah, keep it very tight. Drop deep, waste time, just hoof it anywhere.

Before fm changes the tactics, a cross from the left and Moras puts it away. That goal reminds me of Robbie Fowler’s winner in the 2nd 4-3 win over Newcastle, all those years ago.

3-3 it ends up. Inside I’m gutted, and a few of the boys are, but we’ve come back from 0-2 dahn wiv just 10 men and grabbed a point.

Can’t believe Siena drew in Rome and Chievo drew wiv Udinese, but its all dahn to the weekend game wiv Chievo. Win and we stay up.

But soon the reality kicks in. Matuzalem ain’t gonna be there for the Chievo game, Ledesma’s picked up a knock. They’re my defensive cover in midfield. We might need to be ‘anging on at some point. Good job I’ve got so many players to choose from, ain’t it?

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-27, 12:13 by Pringers
Another fantastic update, mate. Shame that you couldn't hold on when you were 3-2 up, but it's still a good result. Well done, keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-27, 18:09 by Jelly
Fab update again mate, shame about the result a wee bit though but still not a loss!

Keep up the awesome work pal Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-27, 22:17 by the deeb
The build up to the Chievo game is massive. The press are all over it and so are the fans. Matuzalem’s got a 2-match ban, so his season’s over. Ledesma could miss the last 2 games an’ all. Julio Cruz could be back for Chievo.

Chievo ain’t won for 19 matches, so we dant need them changin’ that nah, do we.

I fink we’ll ‘ave a right good go at ‘em from the off. Get stuck in ‘em, straight away. A draw ain’t the worst fing for us, but a win just makes it easier. If Siena lose to Genoa today, then we stay up. Fact!

Been workin’ on the players all week. Pandev ‘as responded to the kick up the jacksey that I give him. I knew he were that sort-a bloke. This is where I earn me corn.

For the home match against Chievo, I’m quite relaxed. Reckon we done the ‘ard work already, this should be a piece-a cake.

Still wiv-aht a couple a key players, but Julio Cruz is fit enough for the bench, at least.
Cala ‘as to play as DM. No one else available.

Reckon we’ll ‘ave a right good go at ‘em. Get into ‘em early. Hit ‘em ‘ard, then it should be ‘appy days.

I send the players aht, tellin’ them they can win this, then I take me seat in the dug-aht and sit and wait.

Blow me, 4 minutes in and they’ve scored! They ain’t won a game for years and they’re 1 up at our place. Bleedin cheek. Good goal though, but we need to be careful ‘ere.


‘Arf-time and we’re still 0-1 dahn. I start to rip into the players, well I begin quite calm, but remind them of who they’re playin’ in front of and where they’re playing. Then I start to raise me voice. They can’t blow it nah, what abaht me money? They gotta do it from ‘ere.

‘arfway frew the ‘arf, and Pandev scores a great goal. Luvly move and Barreto is involved again. My two successes from my time ‘ere, are Barreto and Pandev.


I bring on Cruz, but he can’t make no impression. We throw everyfin’ at ‘em, but they ain’t budgin’. So we gotta go dahn to the final game.

I could frottle someone. ‘Ow can we leave it this late.

Siena ‘as lost 0-3 so its up to us. Fing is, even if we beat Udinese next week, we ain’t certain of stayin’ up. Could come dahn to goal difference, and ours is pants.

Siena mustn’t get more than 1 point, and Chievo mustn’t get even that. Then it don’t matter if we lose. This wasn’t supposed to be so close. Blimey, might need a spare pair of undies for this.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-27, 22:20 by Jelly
Left a brownie in my underwear mate, cant wait til the next update pal Very Happy

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-27, 22:25 by Pringers
This is getting really tense. I hope you can do it, Deeb. Good luck and another great update. Keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-28, 19:51 by Berry
The heat is really in this room now, nothing between you, Siena and Chievo. I hope you can do it and lady luck is on your side mate

Good luck and another great update, keep up the good work! Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 09:40 by the deeb

I give it both barrels in the press, boy I can be a cocky so-and-so when I wanna. We’re gonna walk this easy, I say, no sweat. As good as done, I tell ‘em.

Inside, I’m brickin meself.

What if we dahnt do it? What abaht me money? I might not get anuvver assignment.

F.U. gets on the blower and reminds me of me duties. I need that dunn-i?

Chievo are ‘ome to Sampdoria. Siena are away in Milan. Siena won’t get nuffink, but what abaht Chievo. They could turn Sampdoria over. If they win, we gotta win, simple as that.

I can’t sleep propley, and I’m getting through some bottles, I tell ya.

No more injury worries, so at least that’s summink. Can’t believe ‘ow unlucky we’ve bin wiv all that. I guess that’s the peril of takin on a side at the end of the season. They’re usually shagged by this time, and needin some real confidence.

Maybe I woz too ‘ard on some of ‘em to begin wiv. I got it right wiv Pandev, but that took a while.

Barreto’s been good too. Done well in the reserves and only got in coz of injuries, but he’s one worth stickin wiv.

God we gotta do this. Can’t believe its come dahn to one match.

We might only stay up by a point.

Jesus, I’m earnin’ me quids ‘ere.

What I’d give to be aht there wiv ‘em. That’s the fing I ‘ate most abaht this management lark. You wanna get in and do summink, but yer gotta act all cool on the touchline, as if you know what’s gonna ‘appen.

Makes me sick. In fact, I don’t mind admittin’ to feelin a little ‘uncle dick’ this week.

Come on, hold it together son. Remember who yer are. What yer’ve done and where yer’ve come from.

Come on, you’re Noah Lahm and nuffink gets in your way.

You’re a geezer, ain’t-cha? Come on, lets do it.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 10:30 by Pringers
Come on Deeb, You have the whole of FMR supporting you and your Lazio team! Sounds like your getting a bit attached to Lazio though, Laughing

Good luck!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 16:16 by Jelly
Wow mate getting so close now pal, cannot wait for it and seeing whether or not you stay with them Smile

GL & KIU!!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 21:59 by the deeb

Matchday, and I ‘ave to admit to some butterflies. Udinese ain’t bad. Could-er been in trouble themselves, but they’re safe now. Surely they don’t ‘ave nuffink to play for.

Well ‘ere we are then

35 – Lazio
34 – Chievo
33 – Siena

AC Milan v Siena
Chievo v Sampdoria
Udinese v Lazio

2 out of 3 to go dahn. Who fancies it then? This is where we find aht who’s got the ‘Peter & Pauls’ for this.

E who dares wins, eh Rodney?

We take to the pitch and already I can tell fings ain’t lookin too good. There’s a bad vibe abaht ‘em today.

Soon enough, Lodi puts the ‘ome side in front, and this is gonna be a long day.


Chievo and Siena still 0-0

Come on boys, remember how we done in trainin’. I tried to make it a bit easier for ‘em this week, but I should-er worked ‘em.

30 minutes and they ‘ave a penalty. Looked a bit arsh, but this is serious.

Geezer steps up and scores. I resist the urge to boot summink


Chievo and Siena are both 0-0. We’re still in there. Can’t ‘ave a goal anywhere, though.

2 minutes later and we’re shafted. Udinese are now 3 goals to the good. We’re getting mullered ‘ere and we deserve it.


I’m still staring blankly at the scoreboard, when my assistant taps me on the shoulder and shows me his phone.

Chievo 0 – 1 Sampdoria

Flippin ‘eck, that’s could be our lifeline. Still no score for Siena. At the moment we’re still in there.

Half-time. I get back in the dressin’ room and give them such a rollickin’. Well, this time it’s not just cups and boots that go. The whole flamin’ place gets a bashin. A tray of sandwiches are thrown across the room, and I’m into one nah.

I couldn’t give a monkeys abaht who I offend, they can ruddy well do one, for all I care. We ain’t goin dahn and that’s the end of it. I’m Noah Lahm and if think you can mess wiv my career, I’ll front anyone-a you’s, and you can get back in ‘ere and we’ll ‘ave a right good sort aht.

That last bit I knicked from John Sitton. Legend he was.

Well, it must-a ‘ad some effect as 5 minutes into the ‘arf and Barreto scores. What a boy he’s turning aht to be.


Come on boys, keep it goin. God, if we could turn this rand…..

But we keep on creatin’ chances but nuffink’s goin in.

15 minutes to go and things are still the same

Udinese 3-1 Lazio
Chievo 0-1 Sampdoria
Milan 0-0 Siena

35 – Lazio
34 – Siena
34 – Chievo

15 minutes to save me bacon. Keep cool, Noah-lad.

Then, there’s a goal!!! Bleedin ‘ell, but it ain’t ‘ere.

Siena ‘ave scored and I go white. They’re rubbish and they’re playin’ Milan and they’re in front. Come on, Milan must be up to their old fixin tricks again.

We’re gone.

Into the last 10 minutes, and I can’t sit still. We’re still 1-3 dahn and we’re goin dahn. What am I talking abaht, we? There’s no ‘we’. I ain’t got any feelin for this club. What a bunch-a wasters.

Then……shhh, Milan ‘ave a penalty. Come on, this could be our way outta this.

They’ve scored!!!

Oh sweet baby Jesus, what a time to score. It’s only 1-1 there, but that’ll be enough for us.

Milan 1-1 Siena
Chievo 0-1 Sampdoria
Udinese 3-1 Lazio

I can’t be bothered that we’ve given this game up. It don’t mater nah. We ‘ave anuvver chance but still can’t score.

Into injury time…..this is unbearable. I wanna be able to hear what’s goin on in the other games. Anuvver goal in either one, would put us dahn. Come on, come on, blow that bleedin whistle ref.

Full-time wiv us, but I ain’t interested in that. We’re been outclassed today and we deserve to go dahn, but what abaht Chievo and Siena.




That’s it, final whistle and we’re safe!!!!!

Siena drew and Chievo lost. We’re stayin up. Well, they are. I’m off, aht-a here.

I’ve already got me flight booked.

I pretend to be ‘appy they’ve done it. Gawd knows ‘ow, but they’re safe. Stupid tossers shouldn’t have left it so late.

I’m off back to Blighty tomorrow. Off to find aht what me next assignment is.

1 dahn, 4 to go.

Come on!!!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 22:06 by the deeb

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 22:08 by Posh
That was a squeaker Shocked
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-09-30, 22:10 by the deeb
@Posh wrote:
That was a squeaker Shocked
One of the squeakiest, my friend!!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-01, 09:28 by Pringers
An excellent final report on an excellent story. Congratulations on keeping 'em up, but did they have to leave it until the very last moment, Laughing. Keep it up, Deeb!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-01, 16:32 by Jelly
Good job Im not wearing white underwear, nuff said! Cracking stuff mate really well written and a fantastic climax. Look forwards to see who you take on next Very Happy

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-01, 19:01 by Berry
Crikey, what a tense season that was. You've kept Lazio up though, well done you! I'd hate to think how they'd have done without you, probably would've finished rock bottom.

Great story mate Razz
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 20:45 by Kwiebe
That's a tight finish! Well done with Lazio though, looks like you had a good challenge on your hands Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 21:16 by the deeb

Well, I’ve bin takin it easy for the past few months. Course, Lazio wanted me back but I told them to go an’ poke it. F.U. told me to go an’ enjoy meself and get some sun. So I did.

Anyway, I’m back in London nah, and in F.U.’s office. He’s got some great secretaries, who flash their thrupp’ney’s arand, but I’m concentratin’ on me next assignment.

F.U.’s ‘ad plenty of offers, but he says one stands aht.

Some geezer called Reinhard Rauball needs some ‘elp.

FU: We’ve had a request from Germany, Lahm

Lahm: Oh yes, sir. What do they want from us, some humour, sir?FU: Very droll, Lahm, but less of the smart-ass eh

Lahm: Sorry, sir

FU: No, we’ve had a request from Herr Rauball who is the Chairman of Borussia Dortmund. Heard of them, Lahm?

Lahm: Indeed I have, sir. Play in yellow don’t they, and they’ve been in the Champions League before. Are they in a spot of bother, sir?FU: Well into it, Lahm. They’re into so much of the brown stuff, it’s beginning to spill over the top of their boots

Lahm: My word.FU: Quite. Now get yourself down there, Lahm and sort them out, just like you did in Turin. We’ve given you quite a build-up. Don’t let me down.

Lahm: Oh, you can rely on me, sir.FU: Er, Lahm?

Lahm: Yes, sir?

FU: Now make sure you get back here sharpish. There’s word that the Russians and Swedes are interested in your services and their seasons finish at the end of the year. So don’t get too comfortable once you’ve pulled this off, there’s a good chap.

Lahm: Roger and out, sir

And off to Dortmund was I.

I already ‘ad a bag packed, and so in the taxi to the airport I studied the form.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 21:23 by Jelly
Thats a nice move mate, look forwards to seeing how you do with them as they are a good side Smile

GL & KUTAW Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 22:07 by Pringers
Good move, mate. Borussia have some good players, depending on whether they still have them on your game. Keep it up and good luck in your new challenge.

Also, I noticed bit of a typo, but nevermind Very Happy.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 22:43 by the deeb
nickpring wrote:

Also, I noticed bit of a typo, but nevermind Very Happy.
A typo????  This geezers a cockney.  His whole life's a typo!!!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 22:45 by Pringers

I quote.....
Quote :
Lahm: My word.FU:Quite. Now get yourself down there, Lahm and sort them out, just likeyou did in Turin. We’ve given you quite a build-up. Don’t let me down.

Lazio are from Rome, are they not? Don't worry man, I was just being fussy Very Happy
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 22:54 by the deeb
haha, that's why you're the top poster.
You git!
You win a prize and I'll send this guy rand to deliver it
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 22:59 by Berry
Lol! You love an oddjob here and there don't you, Deeb? Razz

Sorry, bad joke I know.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 22:59 by Pringers
Please don't, I don't want the prize Very Happy.

Seriously looking forward to the new update though man, one of the main highlights on the forum for sure.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-02, 23:10 by the deeb
@Berry wrote:
Lol! You love an oddjob here and there don't you, Deeb? Razz

I'm also partial to the odd chinese, too
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-03, 17:10 by the deeb

Borussia Dortmund ‘ave won the Bundesliga 6 times, including back-to-back wins at the end of the 90’s. They’re the 4th best team in Germany in terms of winning titles, so there’s a good history there, ain’t there.

I love goin’ to places that ‘ave a decent history. That’s why I ain’t never managed at Chelsea, haha! But at these places, you can’t lose. The fans are dying for someone to turn it rand, and so it don’t take long before they love me.

Anyway, Miss Funny-Phanny ‘ad prepared a little file abaht Dortmund. I find aht that they ain’t bin aht-a the top league since 1976. Blimey, that means that relegation for a club this size would be huge.

Great chance to do summink, then.

I ‘ave a look at the old fixture list. Karlsruhe are up next and they’re bottom, so a great chance of 3 points.

Games against Duisberg and Nurnberg are gonna be big as they’re in the bottom half too. The only game I should forget abaht is HSV. Mind you, a point against those geezers would be sweet, and good for the confidence.

I get to Dortmund and receive a pretty good welcome, if I’m honest. They seem pleased I’m ‘ere, and I intend to make ‘em beg me to stay. Chairman tells me I can sort aht the staff and any of ‘em will accept mutual termination of their contracts, if I choose.

Too bleedin right I will. Mind you, the geezers ‘ere ain’t as useless as Lazio ‘ad. Flamin’ norah, they woz pretty poor them geezers. But ‘ere it all seems pretty well run.

Typical Germans

Still, I decide to bring in a couple of coaches. These are blokes that ain’t got jobs at the moment, so they’ll be keen to impress. I love this part, as they all fink I’ll be ‘ere for a year or two, and so they’re keen to convince me they can earn another contract. They won’t wanna suddenly join a club that goes dahn, will they?

Lookin at the squad, we’ve got some work to do, but this team’s just drawn 2-2 with leaders, Koln, so they’ve got some fight abaht them. Could be a good one this.

They’re so organised here, they’ve got it all sussed aht. Nice jam, nice drum and some decent lookin jack & danny, I can tell yer.

Still, down to business. Need to fink abaht the formation. Do we give it some welly, and go 3 at the back and just pile everyone forward? Or do we keep it tight and make sure we don’t concede? I usually prefer to give it some from the off. That way, you stand a good chance of getting a goal and the team ain’t nervous. Whereas, sitting back could mean you give a goal away and then they tend to start blubbing and calling for their mum, if you ain’t careful.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-03, 17:45 by Pringers
Excellent start to a new challenge, Deeb. Keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-03, 18:32 by Jelly
Fab update mate and hopefully you can do it again and pull off another savure mission Smile

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-03, 20:36 by Berry
Looking forward to seeing where your next job is Wink
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-03, 23:38 by Posh
@Berry wrote:
Looking forward to seeing where your next job is Wink

I think he needs to go to Hereford and save the Lillywhites.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-04, 08:33 by the deeb
@Berry wrote:
Looking forward to seeing where your next job is Wink
Next job?  I need to finish this one first!  Or have you not been paying attention, young Berry?
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-06, 21:46 by the deeb
It’s been a tough old week really. ‘Ad to sort aht the coachin’ staff, and so training’s been a bit of a pullava. Anyway, not ‘ad much time to sort aht the team for the Karlsruhe game, but we’ll give it a go. Most of these geezer’s speak English, so a translator ain’t needed. I give my forts on formation, and they nod their understandin’.

God, these guys are highly strung ‘ere. They’re brickin’ themselves just in case they go dahn. That’s just ‘ow I like it. You need to find player’s buttons so that you can push ‘em when they’re performing like fairies. Some geezers need a kick up the jacksey, whereas other poor little petals, need an arm rand the shoulder.

I dint need nuffink like that, when I was a player. I just got on wiv me job, an’ that. But these blokes today, well if it weren’t for the promise of some sponduliks, then I’d probably just shart at ‘em all.

Anyway, I reckon we’ll try the 4-1-2-1-2 that worked well at Lazio. A couple of players are injured, and I’d rather shove a couple of nippy wingers in there, but today we’ll just keep it tight in the middle and keep the pressure on.

Well, we stuffed ‘em dint we? Slaughtered ‘em, good an’ proper. Damien Le Tallec was immense. Straight up. 4-0 will suit me just fine and dandy. The locals fink I’m god. Well they’re ‘arf right ain’t they. Lol!

We’re 1 point behind Hannover. Just as well we won, Hertha beat Stuttgart, so they’re still just 3 behind us. We got Hoffenheim next. Reckon a point will do there.

I’m off to get bladdered.

A day later and Hannover and Monchengladbach ‘ave drawn 1-1. Crackin’ result for us.

Nah, we’ve got a break cos of the internationals. I hate this time, especially as I’ve only just got ‘ere. You get loads of journos all wanting to spread stuff arand. Its unbelievable really, when a team is strugglin’ like these guys are, and then some knobhead comes aht and says there’s no ‘armony at the club. Gordon Bennett, course there ain’t no ‘armony, you’re all abaht to get relegated!!

Finally the break comes to an end, an’ we ‘ave a game against Hoffenheim. They beat us last time, so we need to get back at ‘em. We play on the Sunday, so I watch the results the day before and Hannover win, but Hertha lose to Schalke and Gladbach lose too, and so a win for us will put us above them, and aht of the relegation zone.

Come on, Lahm, roll the old sleeves up!

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-06, 21:57 by Posh
Sorting 'em out this time you are Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-06, 22:27 by Jelly
Great win mate and results also went your way Very Happy Hopefully you can keep them up and maybe push up the table a bit with a start of that sort! KIU & GL!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-07, 00:23 by Pringers
Great result and great update mate. Keep it up and good luck with BVB.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-07, 19:41 by Niko
This is brilliant just started reading it, good result keep it up Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 16:03 by the deeb
We travel to Hoffenheim.

I decide to bring one of the reserves into the squad. Kevin Gosskreutz ‘as been firing them in, in the reserves and so I want to keep the pressure on the strikers, so he’s gonna go on the bench.

We mix it in the first ‘arf. This Hoffenheim team ain’t far away from a place in Europe, so we need to be on our mettle here.

They get a goal disallowed for offside and then a few minutes later, the bleedin’ linesman can’t find the strength to lift his flag and we’re 0-1 dahn.

I make a note of the linesman’s name, and will pass this to Odd-Job at the end of the game.

We’re nearin’ arf-time and I decide to bring Grosskreutz on.as Barrios has been poor.

Within 4 minutes, he’s scored! Valdez has a shot saved by the keeper, but the reband falls to Grosskreutz and we’re level.

Second arf is pretty even and we end up wiv a draw.

I’m quite ‘appy wiv that. Hoffenheim are in good form, and we’ve done well to come back into it. A point is better than a poke up the bum wiv a sharp stick.

We’re at ‘ome to Hamburg next up and that’ll be a tough match.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 16:07 by Pringers
Not a bad result, mate. A very good update as well. Keep it up! Smile
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 16:13 by the deeb
We’re at ‘ome to ‘amburg. Not expectin much from this, but I keep the same side from ‘offenheim, and ‘ope for the best.

Almost 10 minutes in and we’ve only gone ‘an scored. Odd one, really. Le Tallec knocked the ball on for Barrios, he can’t get quite get to it before the keeper comes aht. Keeper don’t get ‘old of the ball and the two defenders who’ve arrived, just stand there. So Barrios goes and puts it in the net.


Great start. Need to keep it tight nah.

We manage to spoil the game for the rest of the ‘arf and go in 1-0 up. Inside I’m buzzin, but we ‘ave to keep things tight.

Hertha are leading and so are Gladbach, so we need this win.

20 minutes to go and we concede a poor goal. We’re sposed to be marking Petric tightly, but someone falls asleep and he punishes us.


No more dramas in the rest of the ‘arf and we get a point. I’m chuffed, to be fair. I really fort we’d be in for a beatin’, but we wasn’t and this team’s got some fight abaht them.

We’re still in the bottom 3, but we got Duisburg next. They’re only 1pt better than us, an’ they’re on a really bad run. Shippin’ goals like there’s no tomorrah. Get above them and we could be larfin’.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 16:32 by Pringers
Another decent result and a great update. Only four games left though Smile You should do it, man!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 17:35 by the deeb
We’re here for our match against Duisberg, and I’m feelin’ right fine and dandy, I can tell yer.

Decide to keep same side, again. There are still a couple of players injured, who’d probably make the line-up, so I keep it nice and simple.

Same performance, same commitment, eh lads. Win this and we can start to choose our cigars.

Within 5 minutes we’ve hit the bar. No, no, I don’t mean we’re downin schnapps and hofmeister. I mean Barrios has headed against the Duisberg bar.

We dominate the first ‘arf and should be 4 or 5 up by the break, but it takes an own goal on 35 mins to put us in front. Cross from the right and the defender beats Barrios to the ball and knocks it passed his own keeper. Cheers, me old son, that’ll do nicely.


We go into the break still a goal up. I’d ‘ve preferred more, but these blokes are nervous. Who can blame ‘em. Big club, but in the ‘Brad Pitt’ so they’re band to be a bit smelly rand the never regions, ain’t they?

Tell ‘em to keep it tight, there’s only one team in this and be patient, the goals will come.

We get to ‘Benitez-time’, abaht 60 minutes and I’m finkin abaht some changes, when a corner comes over for us, ball ‘eaded aht and Kringe meets in on the volley. Scorchio! Get in, you beauty.


I puff me chest aht and start to fink abaht my next assignment.

Careful now, Lahmmy-lad, we ain’t on the vinegar strokes yet, yer know. But Duisberg are so poor that I can’t see ‘em winnin’ ever!

I make a couple of changes, and feel quite relaxed. Hannover are losin’ so we’re only 1pt behind them, but at least we’re aht of the bottom 3.

Duisberg get a goal back wiv 7 minutes to go. We can’t throw it away from here, surely?


Bit nervy at the end, but we ‘ang on and come away wiv a win.

Hannover lost and Gladbach drew. Duisburg ‘ave got Leverkusen and Bayern next, so they ain’t gonna get nuffink from that. It could all hinge on the final game when they play Hertha.

That means we probably need just 1pt for safety.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 20:04 by Jelly
Great game there mate really well done! sure you can stay up now mate so GL pushing up the table I guess Wink

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-10, 21:34 by Pringers
Great result, nice one! Keep it up.
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-11, 20:45 by the deeb

I’m livin the life-a riley, at the minute, in-i?

Who’s the daddy?

We got Wolfsburg at ‘ome. I decide to keep the same team, still ain’t got the players I want fit again, but these geezers ‘ave bin doin the business.

There’s some decent players ‘ere and I can’t work aht how they got in this mess, but what do I care? I’m the geezer who can sort it aht.

I can start to smell the money.

But first we gotta sort aht this little baby. Wolfsburg are a decent team, but we’re on a roll.

No score at arf time, but we’ve been in control. Tell the players to be patient, but keep at ‘em.

10 minutes into the 2nd ‘arf and we ‘ave a penalty. Lovely-jubbly.

Florian Kringe steps up, makes no mistake. 1-0!! Easy life!

The rest of the game seems a little too easy. We dant give much away, and we ain’t strugglin’. Shouldn’t it be tuffer than this?

Anyway, I couldn’t give a monkeys and we get 3pts.

We’re up to 14th, 5pts ahead of the relegation spots. Wiv just 2 games left, a draw against Kaiserslautern will do us. Mind you, even if we lose we could still be safe.

That’ll give me some time off. Dant need to be anywhere near the last game if we’re safe, although I spect F.U. will ‘ave summink to say abaht it.

Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-11, 22:05 by Jelly
Fantastic win there mate! Really good work and a superb update again mate! KIU!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-11, 22:33 by Pringers
Great result and another great update. Fantastic stuff so mate, keep it up!
Re: The Equaliser
Post on 2010-10-12, 13:06 by the deeb
We travel to Kaiserslautern.

Funny old place, really.

Kaiser? Yeah, I reckon I’d ‘ave been one of them blokes.

Just need a point today, although a loss ain’t the end of it as we could be certain of stayin’ up anyway. Duisburg ‘ave to win, and they ain’t lookin’ too clever at the mo.

This ‘as been quite easy, as it goes. 5 games, no defeats = easy life. 90 minutes and I’ll ‘ave sorted aht two of these assignments.

Just make one change to the team and send ‘em aht, reminding ‘em of what needs to be done.

I spend most of the first ‘arf wondrin what FU has in store for me next. Germany’s a bit boring, to be fair, so a bit-a sun would be ‘andy.

Mind you, he mentioned Sweden or Russia, when I last saw him. Ain’t no sun there, I can tell yer.

No goals at half time and we’re cookin’. Decent spirit abaht the team nah. Nowhere near as chopsy as Lazio.

Early in the second ‘arf and Bayern ‘ave scored at Duisburg. Duisburg must win to take it to the last game of the season, but it ain’t lookin good for them.

I dant pay much attention to our game. Bit boring really, we ain’t in any trouble and they ain’t really trying, neither.

Bayern get a 2nd goal and it’s game over. Bish-bosh, where’s me dosh!

Game ends 0-0. Dortmund are safe for anuvver year and I start to pack me bag.

I get a text from FU, telling me I need to be there at the final match, otherwise I dant get me sponds, which is a bit of a French kisser, but hey-ho. What do I care?

Decide not to go home, but go into tarn, find a casino and a tart. You are the man, Lahmmy-boy.

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